It has come to my attention that anyone who is anyone has a hater.
My friends all swap stories of their haters, how they acquired them and how often they are hated. They pull creased and folded email printouts of their favorites from their wallets and pass them proudly, comparing whose hater is more rabid, more frothing, whose can simultaneously display the more tenuous grasp of reality and the more intricate understanding of Anglo-Saxonisms.
I am left in the cold when these discussions begin. Bereft and haterless, I can only look on with envy while my more hatable friends and acquaintances discuss relative levels of fanatic vitriol and tally up the exclamation points. Thus I am in the market for a hater of my own.
To be my hater requires determination and persistence. I am not easily fazed and I am oblivious to all but the most forthright and emphatic hostility.
I recognize that acknowledgement is the primary reward of haterdom and that my blasé, devil-may-care attitude makes me a less attractive target for your hate. To counteract my inherent insouciance, I promise that I, as your object of abomination, will blog about the scorn and derision you heap upon me, at minimum, on a semiannual basis. I will also tweet what I consider the most creative insult from your emails each month.* (Please consider the limitations of the medium and keep your most quotable jibes to under 120 characters.)
- must have difficulty separating fantasy from reality
- must be prone to emailing while drunk (under the influence of other
substances is also acceptable)
- must be able to see me as the living embodiment of everything that is
wrong in the world today
must have colorful vocabulary and be able to vividly describe
perpetrations of violence against my person
irregular spelling and grammar a bonus.
If you need some help getting started, these are some of the most easily hatable things about me: I am an atheist, I am a vegetarian, I am a woman, and I have had an abortion.
Please make your application in the form of samples sent to my email address: frankie[@]ninjatoaster.com.
You may also submit hate mail via Tumblr. In the event that it is necessary to decide between equally qualified candidates, the balance is in favor of applications made by email. Initiative is an important quality in a hater and copying and pasting my email address is more work than clicking a link.
As I make it policy never to respond directly to abusive or threatening communications, I will notify my new hater of a successful application via blog posting. You will know who you are.
[*] Please be aware that this means any hateful communication you send me is subject to public posting, discussion, and even ridicule, in part or in full.