I got my first hate mail.

It’s been such a long time coming, and part of me is afraid it’s one of you guys taking pity on my long spell of haterlessness. While I appreciate the kindness, somehow it just wouldn’t mean as much if there’s not real bile behind it.

Date: Mon, 24 Feb 2014 05:07:25 -0800 (PST)  
From: Leslie [redacted] <jxr*******r@yahoo>  
Subject: Your an idiot  
To: The Amazing Frankie (Guise! That's me! :)  

I saw you posting on Authonomy. God you are such an ass hole... I'm sure 
before you became a famous jag off, you were a real wanker... 


Leslie [redacted]
[redacted]
Commieland

Admittedly, it’s not the greatest hate mail ever. It doesn’t even fulfill my basic requirements.

Leslie gets full points for irregular spelling and grammar. This is her strong suit as a hater, made ironic by the fact she discovered my loathesomeness on a writing site. She even managed to pull a classic your/you’re error in the subject line. Good work, Leslie!

I’m also going to credit her with a failure to separate fantasy from reality on the basis of “before you became [a] famous” — implying that I am now famous. I’m pretty sure this fame exists only in Leslie’s head. Otherwise, have your people call my people. We’ll lunch.

And, since I’m feeling charitable, I’ll giver her points for emailing under the influence, because with grammar like that, drunk until proven sober.

Leslie falls down when it comes to communicating to me that she sees me as the living embodiment of everything that is wrong in the world today—she might feel that way, but if so, she did a poor job of conveying the depths of her disgust for everything I am and represent. I understand I’m an “ass hole”, but Leslie doesn’t make me feel like the “Great Grand-daddy Goatse of all ass holes.”

Leslie’s vocabulary also signifies a lack of imagination. “Ass hole” and “wanker” are garden variety insults. I’m not asking for Shakespeare here, but some evidence of creativity would be nice. Overall, I felt like Leslie was just dialing it in, and she didn’t even bother to wish that I’d die in a fire or get hit by a bus.

Finally, I suspect Leslie’s a bit lazy. I had to set aside my policy of not replying to haters via email to request clarification on which post made me an “ass hole” in Leslie’s eyes. That information should’ve been included by default.

Date: Mon, 24 Feb 2014 15:10:20 +0100
From: The Amazing Frankie (Yep, me again!)
To: Leslie in Commieland <jxr*******r@yahoo.com>
Subject: Re: Your an idiot

Dear Leslie,

I don't think I can adequately convey how much your hate mail means to
me, but I have to confess, I'm not sure which post you are referring to.
Could you clarify?

Not that I'm denying I'm an asshole, I'm just so frequently an asshole
that you could be referring to any number of things, and when someone
takes the time out of their busy day to inform me of my character flaws,
I like to be able to fully appreciate the gesture.

Looking forward to your response.

Love,
Frankie

Overall, I give Leslie a weak 3/5 for this effort, which is, frankly, charitable. I’m also willing to look at further work, after all, it’s not like the hate mail is pouring in these days.