To chynadol1969@gmail: by “able to vividly describe perpetrations of violence against my person” I mean you must be able to vividly describe your own imagined violence against my person. Just pasting my name into bits of Dante’s Inferno doesn’t count.

To fukufrankie@aol: you get points for the use of email address (this is the kind of creativity I’m looking for, people) but the rest was uninspired. Instead of saying, “You’re not a nice person Frankie and I know you think you are funny making fun of things but really you are not,” show me why I’m not nice. Describe how not funny I am in gory detail. 

It’s called “hate mail” and not “I don’t like you very much mail” for a reason.

To heckoffndye@gmx: full marks on the use of angry exclamation points, however I think you have confused me with someone else. I do not owe you any back child support. I think I would remember. (If you’re willing to persist in this delusion and bombard me with increasingly irate emails when the requested child support fails to materialize, I may be convinced to reevaluate your application.)

To jobopooks@hotmail: I’m not sure this is hate mail. Frankly, I don’t know what it is. The part with the tongue is disgusting though. For the love of god, why would you want to lick that?